


Second chance

by Sofy2801



Category: The Halcyon (TV)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-12
Updated: 2018-03-21
Packaged: 2019-03-30 10:26:19
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 6,239
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13949625
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sofy2801/pseuds/Sofy2801
Summary: June 1941, six months after the bomb on The Halcyon and Adil's attempted suicide.Toby needs time to think of a way to put the pieces of his life together: after that horrible night in December, everything changed.He will find his answers in the most unexpected place, at least for him, and from a very uncommon person...Another alternative happy ending for my favourite couple, because I can't really figure them apart!





	1. One

It was an uncommonly warm late afternoon of June. The streets were crowded of people and cars. Maybe the idea of having a walk back home after work wasn’t that good…Toby needed silence, and the only thing he was getting from his promenade was noise.

He was so deep in his thoughts that he didn’t realise he’s taken a different path. The sudden tweeting of a bird made him stop and look around: where the hell he’s arrived at? There was a small square with a garden and old, magnificent trees full of singing birds, and a church, right on his side. The noises of the city seemed far away, and Toby couldn’t recognise the area he was in.

But he finally got what he wanted, a silent place, where he could rest for a while and try to clear his mind.

His life had been a complete mess since December. Too many things have happened in a too small amount of time, he wasn’t ready for this, he had no clue how to face it.

Toby felt his body turning slowly towards the entrance of the church, like he was unable to stop it from going inside…he’s never been devoted. Of course, he went to church every Sunday with his mother, like everyone was expecting him to, but he stopped in the moment he got together with Adil. He couldn’t stay there and listen to people who think that loving another man is a sin, he would have felt completely out of place.

But he desperately needed some answers, and the church would probably be empty at that time of the day, so going inside and see if something happens can’t be that bad, right?

Inside, the light is weak and there’s a good smell of candle-lights and wood.

Toby set on a bench in the back and closed his eyes. He didn’t know what to expect, actually…

“I’m sorry to disturb you sir”

A deep voice said from behind him. Toby turned to see a black man smiling politely at him.

“There’s no one here to confess and no functions scheduled for tonight”

“Oh, no, no…I’m not here to…never mind, I’m going. Sorry if I disturbed you”

Toby was standing up but the man smiled and spoke again.

“You don’t disturb, and you can stay here for as long as you wish. In these difficult times we’re in, the church is open all day long”

Toby was unsure on what to do, this man seemed nice, almost reassuring, and he really needed some time in peace for himself.

“I just…needed a silent place where I can think. I don’t even know how I got there…where are we?”

The expression on the man’s face was amused but he was too polite to make fun of him, Toby thought.

“This is St. Joseph’s Church, in Borough”

“Oh…I’m not that far away from home, but I’ve never been there before, on my way back from the office”

The man smiled again, he’s probably thinking that Toby is really strange…but that isn’t making him feel uncomfortable, and that’s pretty new to Toby, who’s usually very nervous with strangers.

“I leave you to your thoughts then, goodbye”

Toby smiled but suddenly the idea of being alone with his many questions, not knowing from where to start to unravel the knot of his life seemed too much to handle.

“You can stay, if you want, you don’t bother me”

The man seemed to consider the option for a while, never taking his eyes off of Toby, who started to get nervous again.

“You seem to need someone to talk to, sir. But I don’t think I’m the right person to do it”

“You’re a priest?”

“Oh, no, far from it” the man chuckled.

“Then I think you can be the right person. I’m Toby” he said, handing out his hand to the man who was clearly surprised by this gesture. Probably it wasn’t that common for a white man to be so polite with a black man, even if he worked, Toby supposed, in the church.

“I’m Robert, nice to meet you Toby” the man shook Toby’s hand.

They sat side by side, quietly. Robert should be around fifty, some grey lines amongst his dark hair, some wrinkles on his face, he was taller than Toby but not really muscular, he wasn’t intimidating and his suits smelled like The Halcyon’s laundry.

Toby felt strangely at ease.

“You work here?” 

“Sort of…I help with everything regarding the building and the garden, Father Michael helped me when I escaped from my country, he has given me a place to live, and I’m repaying him offering my work when he needs it”

“Oh, I’m sorry”

“For what?”

“I don’t know…for you having to leave your country?”

Robert laughed, genuinely surprised by Toby’s apologies. “I can’t see how this can be your fault, no need to say sorry”

Now, Toby was really embarrassed. “I know…I’m sorry…”

“Again!” Robert was laughing, shaking his head whilst Toby was sure he was red as a tomato. This has always been a problem for him, Adil has told him many times that he says sorry too much, and there was no need to do it when it clearly wasn’t something depending on him. “You apologise a lot…”

“Yes…it’s something I can’t change I’m afraid”

“You know, Toby, is not so common to find a man able to say “I’m sorry” truthfully. The fact that you do it often makes you appear sincere to me. And trust me, it’s almost impossible to find honest people nowadays” 

“But saying “sorry” doesn’t change things…” Toby sighed, he was thinking at all the times Adil said sorry to him for his betrayal, and Toby didn’t trust him. Or at the times he said it to Adil for his horrible words the day of the Anniversary party and Adil didn’t trust him. Saying “Sorry” hasn’t helped them to stay together…

“No, but it can help to heal the wounds or at least, to be in peace with yourself. If you say “sorry” from all your heart, and the other person doesn’t accept it, than the problem is his, not yours”

“Do you really mean it?”

Robert stayed quiet for a moment, considering the issue. He has faced this kind of situation many times during his life and has come to the conclusion that if you apologise sincerely, you are always on the right side. If the other one doesn’t trust you, there’s no need to waste more time in convincing him or putting all the blame on yourself. 

“Yes, I mean it”

“You’re probably right, but it’s not easy for me to convince myself when, for almost my entire life, I’ve been told that everything I did was wrong…” it was his father’s main hobby, telling Toby how a failure he was, compared to his brilliant brother. And even now, society considers people like him not normal. 

“I’m really sad to hear you saying this, but I can understand you perfectly”

“Really…” Toby said sceptically. He has always thought no-one who wasn’t’ in his shoes could understand what he was going through.

“Maybe in this low light you haven’t noticed the colour of my skin…”

And now Toby felt ridiculous. Of course the troubles Robert has to face everyday because he’s black is nothing compared to his owns…Toby has a family, has money, has a position that somehow can protect him. Robert, for sure, has nothing of this…

“I’m…”

“Don’t say it!”

Toby bit his lips, he was about to say it again…

“So, you want to start to talk about the reason that brought you here, or we’re going to go on with you telling that you’re sorry and me telling you to stop?”

Toby smiled.


	2. Two

Toby started from the very beginning of all his problems: his relationship with his father. Then drifted to his mother, Freddie, Emma, his life at The Halcyon and his work…he was like an overflowing river. For the first time in his life, he felt free to tell exactly what he was thinking, and he let everything he got locked inside for years out.

And Robert listened, made questions, gave answers to Toby’s multiple ones until they found themselv3es seated in the kitchen eating a delicious chicken with vegetables and rice that Robert made for them during their endless conversation.

Toby noticed that the small house Robert lived in, was arranged for 2 persons, but there were no signs of a wife…maybe he’s a widower, Toby thought. He didn’t dare to ask, Robert had already told him too many sad stories about his past life. How he and his family hade been banned from their village because they were Christian, how a tribal war destroyed all the villages where he’d grown up and killed his family, how he managed to escape and became a slave, sold from a country to another, until he arrived in Kenya, where he met Father Michael who was running a mission there. He freed Robert so that he could find a job and start a new life. Some years later, Robert came to England, and after several underpaid and backbreaking jobs, he met Father Michael again, and started to live and work for his church in London.

Toby wasn’t surprised of how easily it was for him to talk to Robert: only people who have to face real problems in their life can understand each other. Of course, Toby’s one are infinitely less serious then Robert’s. Nonetheless, he can perfectly understand Toby’s feeling of being always out of place.

Still, he wasn’t sure he could go on and tell him about Adil…

“Toby, you can tell me I’m wrong, but I have the feeling there’s something you’re not telling me”

Toby looked at him, but words didn’t come out.

“It’s fine if you don’t want to go on, but I don’t think your problems, now, are still related to your father, considering he died one year ago”

“No” Toby shook his head “you’re right, there’s something else but I’m afraid you’ll find me disgusting and would ask me to leave after this”

“Disgusting?” asked Robert in disbelief.

Toby nodded.

“Did you kill someone?”

“No! Of course not! How could you….”

“Then keep calm, that’s the only thing that could make me thing you’re disgusting”

Toby took a sip of fresh water. It was the first time he was going to talk about his sexuality, confessing his feelings for Adil. It seemed like to climb Mount Everest for him. But the look on Robert’s face was encouraging…he wasn’t there to judge him or telling him he was a sinner, he just wanted to help, and God knew if Toby needed some help now!

“I…am in love, and the person I love is…a man”

There were no signs of shock or disgust from the black man, only a soft smile. Robert kept silent, he knew Toby hadn’t finished his story but he wanted him to take all the time to realise that he’d just said out loud what he probably had never admitted with anyone else. 

“Adil, his name is Adil. He worked at my family’s hotel as bartender. He’s the one who made me realise what I am…we’ve been together for a while, and those had been the best days of my life…but then a very evil person saw us, and threatened him to deport his family, send him to prison and expose me to a public scandal unless he stole some documents from me. He was a spy, he worked for the Germans and Adil did what he asked, to protect me and his family. When I discovered it, the whole world collapsed on me, I was furious but I couldn’t do a thing because that man seduced my mother and she told us they were going to get married. It was like a nightmare, Adil was begging me to ask for help, but I couldn’t look at him without getting angry. The day of the 50th anniversary of The Hlalcyon, last December, I took my decision: I would have called the police to report the spy. Adil came to me again, telling me he would go to the police to tell them it was him who stole the documents, to keep me out and clear. But I…I told him to disappear, that I was disgusted but what we did and that I didn’t want to see him ever again…”

Tears were beginning to fall from the corner of Toby’s eyes. The most difficult part was to come, and telling it would make the pain real. But he felt that he needed to do it. He had never had the opportunity to talk about what happened that awful night with Adil, and probably that was one of the reasons they broke up. It’s painful, and his heart was heavy, but he has to pour it out…

“During the party, Tom gave me a letter from Adil. He said he was sorry to have caused me pain and forced me into something that disgusted me. He told he loved me, that everything he did, was because he wanted to keep me safe. And he said goodbye….I didn’t thought, my brain just stopped working and my heart told me to run as fast as could to him. I found Adil lying peacefully on his bed, the gas of the heater opened…I took him out on the stairs and he breathed again. But after the first moments of hugging and kissing, everything changed. Our lives changed: a bomb dropped on the hotel. The man who distroyed our lives died for the explosion. We could be free, but something was broken inside Adil…and I know it was because of my words. With the excuse that there wasn’t a lounge anymore where he could work, he left and found a similar job in another hotel. He told me we shouldn’t see each other for a while, that the wounds were still open and needed time to heal...I stayed at The Halcyon other two months, to stay with Mother and help with the reconstruction but everything there reminded me of Adil, and I couldn’t stand it. So I moved in one of my father’s property, near the office”

He wasn’t crying anymore, he felt an odd calm inside of him. 

“Have you ever searched for Adil during these months?”

“Yes, I know where he works. But every time I got there, and I saw him throught the lounge door, I stop…I can’t find the courage to go there and ask him to talk. I don’t think I’ll stand his rejection”

“Did you tell him you love him?”

Toby shook his head…that was a thing he was still blaming himself for…”Only once, when I was trying to wake him up when I saved him. I’m not even sure he heard it”

“That can be part of the problem, you know? Some people understand the other’s feelings even if they don’t say them, some other need to hear it to be sure. Maybe he needs you to say it”

“I’m not even sure he wants to see me again…how can I say him that I love him?”

“You can start with showing it with little things, something like waiting for him when he finishes working and walk him home. Or, if you know he works only in the evening, you can go to his place and have lunch together, when you have a day off. Or buy him something you know he likes”

“Do you really think this could work? After everything I told him? He tried to kill himself after I told him he disgusted me, I don’t think a lunch together is enough to be forgiven”

“You’ve been apart for almost 6 months, it’s a lot of time to take in what happened. He’ll may need some extra time, but if you show him you still care, and tell him you’re able to talk about it, bury what happened in the past and start at new, I’m pretty sure he’ll give you another chance”

Toby sighed, Robert seemed so sure…but he hadn’t seen the look on Adil’s face the day he told him those horrible things, and the one when he left The Halcyon and told Toby they should go separate ways…those sad and broken eyes were impossible to forget…they have appeared in Toby’s dream almost every night, when Adil’s absence was cutting his heart in two, leaving him cold and lonely in his bed.

He would give anything to take back everything he said, but it wasn’t possible. He could only try to win Adil’s his love back. Maybe Robert was right, he gave him time, he let him space, now it’s time to try to seduce him again.


	3. Three

“Mmmhhh…this smell is delicious! I’m starving…oh!”

Toby turned his head to find a man, almost the same age as Robert, entering the kitchen. There was no doubt, considering his dresses, that he was Father Michael. Robert looked amused by the embarrassed expressions on both the other men’s faces.

“You’re lucky I’ve cooked another portion, seat down. This is Toby, Toby, this is Father Michael”

Toby stood up to shake the other man’s hand, then they both cautiously set down again. Father Michael looked nervous and tried not to cross Toby’s look while Robert was preparing his dish.

“Relax, Michael, Toby is like us” Robert said casually, seating down at his place, with a huge smile.

“Oh…” suddenly everything was clear to Toby…”Oh…you two are…oh…I’m sorry, I think I’m a disaster in reading the signs…”

That explained Robert’s comprehension and encouragement for trying to adjust things with Adil.

“It’s a gift. Someone, like Robert, has it and understands immediately. Someone else, like me, needs to do a lot of practice” said Father Michael happily, clearly relaxed after the initial shock.

“Toby came here to think, but we ended here eating after a very long talk”

“Actually, I talked and you listened for the majority of the time…” said Toby, still a little embarrassed. 

It was the first time he was talking to men like him, and it was strange. Not just because finding other homosexuals wasn’t so common, but because of how peculiar those two men were: a priest and a black man. Surely not the couple one can expect.

“Robert has always been a good listener, something I love and envy about him. I’m supposed to be the one to listen and find the solution to people’s problems, it’s my job, but Robert has always been better than me at that”

Father Michael was smiling brightly at his companion, not a hint of real envy in his voice, just love and pride.

“I’m not that good…I just try to do my best to help people when they need, and I happen to be good with advices. That’s all”

“You know you make me angry when you belittle yourself, Robert!”

“I’m not degrading myself, but I know where my place in society is, and I just go along with it”

“It’s so unfair…” Father Michael was clearly upset, and Toby knew exactly how he felt: Adil was like Robert, someone considered inferior just because of the colour of his skin, even if he was better than a lot of white people Toby knew. Both of them were condemned to live a life in the background, while Toby and Michael, just because they were white, could do whatever they liked. 

Toby couldn’t do anything but agree with Father Michael. “It really is…but things can change, and I’m sure, at a certain point they will”

“I’m too old for this, maybe you and your Adil would see that day, but not me”

“Adil?” asked Father Michael with more than a hint of curiosity.

And Robert started to tell Toby and Adil’s story to Michael, and the three men went on and on talking until it was time to go.

Michael and Robert brought Toby to the church garden gate, recommend him to go and tell Adil what he feels. In the times they were living in, love was something so rare and precious, that cannot be wasted and for sure, the two young men deserved a second chance to be happy.

Toby felt light, and happy and confident for the first time in months. He was wondering if Adil and him would have the chance to live like Micheal and Robert, who were a couple since 15 years now…he couldn’t make promises or do long-term plans, there was a war going on and they could be dead every day, but for sure he would fight for it.

They left with the promise to come back one day with Adil and have a dinner together.

Toby knew exactly what he wanted to do. It was 9 p.m., Adil would end his shift at 10, since every public venue should close by that hour due to the night raids of the Germans. 

He wanted to buy some roses for him and walk him home. But of course all the florist’s shops were closed at that time of the evening…in a moment of uncommon braveness, he entered a park and started to try and cut some flowers, but the thorns were making this task harder than he thought. He was almost giving up when the gardener, who was making his tour to water the flowerbeds saw him.

Toby invented the story that he wanted to propose to his girlfriend, that she loved roses but he hadn’t been able to find a florist’s shop…and the poor man got so moved by his story that helpe Toby to create a wonderful bouquet of pink, red and white roses for his imaginary future wife…

Toby waited patiently at the back exit of The Ritz, Adil came out ten minutes after 10 p.m., alone. He was…gorgeous, a pair of blue trousers, a shirt and a cotton cardigan left open, the sleeves rolled up until his elbows. He was so deep in his thoughts that he didn’t see Toby standing there, until he heard him calling his name.

The world stop turning. Adil was unable to speak or move. His body was almost aching for the desire of hugging Toby and kiss him right there. He missed him, he has missed him every single second during those months apart….but he tried to ignore it, he was the one who decided they should break up, he was the one who felt unworthy, the one who forced Toby into something he didn’t truly want. 

He couldn’t forget Toby’s words, and even if a part of him desperately wanted to believe him when he said he didn’t mean them, another one was still hurt.

He loved Toby Hamilton, he hadn’t stop not even for a minute to love him. But the doubt that his feelings were one sided was still there. Toby has never told him that he loved him too, and the fact that he run to him to save him that night when he tried to kill himself, doesn’t necessary mean he does. Maybe it was just guilt, pity, not love…

That’s why he ended things between them. He couldn’t live with the feeling of not being loved, and with the fear that a part of Toby would always see him as the man who betrayed him. 

The terrible sensation that brought him to the decision of ending his life would come at surface again, at the first argument, Adil was sure about it. And he couldn’t handle it.

He run away, hoping that time and distance could help him to heal…

But seeing the love of his life, standing right in front of him, with the most loving face he had ever seen on him, made Adil to realise that, probably, he’s taken the wrong decision.


	4. Chapter 4

“Toby”

Adil’s voice was like a whisper.

“Hello..I…ehmm…I have so many things I wanted to say but…I don’t know from where to start, so…” Toby took out the bouquet that was hidden behind his back. He hoped that the roses could talk for him, showing all his love.

Adil thought he was dreaming. 

“You bought me roses” he was trying to rationalise what was going on.

“I, ehm…actually, stole them, from a park…” Toby was really grateful that it was dark and Adil couldn’t see the blush on his face. It wasn’t such a big deal, but he had never done something like this before.

“Toby Hamilton stealing roses for me? We live in a really crazy time…” Adil was amused by Toby’s embarrassment, and infinitely happy that his (past) lover did something so “brave” for him.

“Yes, well, love makes us do crazy things, doesn’t it?”

“So they say”

Adil took the bouquet, being very careful not to touch Toby’s hand in the while. He wouldn’t have been able to restrain himself if he touched him. Toby had finally said the word “love”, but it wasn’t like the three words Adil had desired for months to hear from him, and he didn’t want to get his hopes high and then break down again.

If they were meant to be, like he thought they were before all the D’Abberville affair, then they’ll start at new, completely. Being totally honest one with the other, telling the good and the bad things, arguing and making up, putting all the cards on the table before getting together again. 

Adil needed to feel truly forgiven for his betrayal, and he needed to be able to trust Toby’s feelings, to be sure he really didn’t mean what he said that awful afternoon that changed their lives forever. 

“Are you heading home?”

“Yes, I’m needed here tomorrow morning, there’s a wedding reception”

“Can I walk you there?” Toby knew his voice was almost begging the other man, but he didn’t care. He wanted to stay with Adil, he needed to smell his exotic scent, that was so intoxicating for him, to hear his voice, that calmed him so many times in the past, to feel the proximity of his body, that was making his own alive again.

“I moved from Paddington, I live not very far from here, it a 30 minutes walk more or less”

“It’s fine”

“You’ll be quite far from The Halcyon” Adil saw a shadow crossing Toby’s look, something he knew very well. Toby was thinking that he was trying to get rid of him. But he wasn’t, he was just practical, as usual, worrying that Toby was too far from home once they had reached his new flat. And with the sirens that could ring at any moment, he didn’t want his love to stay out on his own too long “but if it’s ok, for you, we can go”

He sent him a reassuring smile, gesturing with his head to follow him.

They started their promenade in silence, it was so strange to be close again.

“I don’t live at The Halcyon anymore”

Adil looked at him, surprised. It was a sort of a new Toby Hamilton the one walking beside him, the old one he fell in love with would have never left his safe nest to live on his own, and would have never stolen something…not even a flower! Well, he really liked this new brave Toby a lot.

“Really?”

Toby nodded “I stayed there just a couple of months after you left, but it was too hard…everything reminded me of what happened…I needed some “fresh air” so I moved in a small house I discovered my father owned, which happens to be quite near the office, very useful…”

“I bet Her Ladyship hadn’t taken the news well”

“Of course she put up some resistance, but when she saw my determination and that I really needed this, she accepted it. You’ll be surprised to see how she’s changed…”

“We all have…”

Did this mean you don’t love me anymore? Toby didn’t dare to ask what he was thinking…it was too painful…he changed the subject of their conversation, he wasn’t ready to hear Adil saying he moved on.

“How is your new job? Do you like it?”

“Yes, yes I do. It was quite strange at the beginning. I was expecting Betsey to sing and Sonny to play on the stage every night…” Adil sighed, the first weeks had been really hard…doing the same job he did for two years in a place he almost called “home”, with people he was friend with, but in a completely different place wasn’t that easy “But now it’s fine, people are friendly, there are two other Indians that basically “adopted” me”

“Really? That’s nice!”

“Yes, they invite home to eat indian, we talk in hurdu sometimes, we tell stories of our country…it’s nice indeed…if it wasn’t for the fact that they’re both trying to make me marry their daughters”

“Oh no…”

“Oh yes…they can’t understand how it is that, at my age, I’m still not married…they’re playing the father role with me, and that’s moving, but their obstinacy is exhausting. Now I perfectly understand how you felt when your mother was trying to match you with her friend’s daughters!”

They chuckled, the tension seemed to release a little.

“And…are you somehow interested in their offer?” asked Toby timidly.

“I haven’t changed my preferences, if that’s what you’re asking”

“I’m happy to hear it…”

They smiled, and the walk continued with Adil asking about how The Halcyon staff was doing, if Freddie was ok, if Joe was still there.

When they reached the building where Adil’s flat was, Toby felt happy to have followed Robert’s advice. Adil hadn’t rejected him like he was afraid he could do. Of course, he hadn’t told him he still loved him neither, but them walking together and talking like “friends” was a good start.

The road was probably long, they had to rebuild everything from zero. Toby wanted to do everything properly, taking one step a time, until he would be able to kiss Adil again and tell him he loves him and wants nothing but to be with him, for the rest of his life.

He could do this right then, he was ready to, but it would be rushed, Adil could feel somehow forced and that was the last thing he wanted.

“Thank you, Toby”

They were really close, Adil was looking deeply in Toby’s eyes, with that look that always made the man feel naked. Adil has always had that gift of reading into Toby’s mind with just a look, and, besides feeling exposed or vulnerable, on the contrary this has always made him feel comfortable.

“Thank you for the flowers, for walking me home, thank you for coming to me…”

“I love you”


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> That's the conclusion of this new story, I hope you enjoyed it!.
> 
> Other ideas are coming up to my mind...something "hot" may be released soon...stay tuned!

What about doing things properly and taking one step a time? Toby was shocked by his own words…they slipped out of his mouth before he could even think to stop them.

And now they were floating in the air between the two men, ready to settle in Adil’s heart, if he wanted to accept them and say them back. 

It was all on him now: Toby’s happiness was in Adil’s hands.

But he kept silent, still staring at Toby with a look he wasn’t able to interpret.

“You can’t come back in my life after six months and tell me you love me, Toby”

There wasn’t angst or bitterness in Adil’s voice, he was calm, like he didn’t believe those words were true. How could Toby blame him? He’d never told him Adil that he loved him, when they were together, and he had plenty of opportunities to do it. It took him a while to recognise and give a name to what he felt for the other man, and when he was sure it was love, he was afraid that telling it would make him look ridiculous. Men don’t say “I love you”…more so to another man…and what if Adil didn’t feel the same? It would have been humiliating. 

Adil closed his eyes for a moment and took a deep breath. What he’d dreamt about has finally happened, but he doesn’t seem able to be happy about it. What if he Toby didn’t actually mean it? Mr. Hamilton was totally unexperienced, Adil had been the first person he’d ever been with, how can he be sure it was love? 

He wanted to believe the words were true, he desperately needed to know that Toby had the same feelings he’s had since the first time he saw him. 

But something inside of him was stopping him to trust Toby, that part that still remembered the way Toby told him he was disgusted by what they did together.

“Alright…it’s…fine…I’ll go then…”

Toby turned his back to Adil to hide the tears there were about to fall from his eyes, starting to walk away.

“Toby”

Adil called him, and Toby stopped, but didn’t turn to look at him. It made himself ridiculous enough, there was no need for Adil to see him crying.

He felt some steps behind him, then felt Adil placing his head on his shoulder, intertwining their hand.

“Stop crying, I love you too”

Toby started to cry like a baby, and amongst all his sobs, he was quite sure Adil was crying too. When they calmed down, Adil invited him inside.

It was a long night of talk.

Adil told Toby exactly how things with D’Abberville went, the reason he did what he knew from the start was wrong, the pain this caused him. Toby listened, and finally told him that he forgave him long ago, and, thinking about it now, he would have done the same thing, if someone threatened Freddie or his mother.

Adil tried, and that was the hardest part, to explain Toby the damage his words caused him, and the reason why he decided his life wasn’t worth it. He felt like he was cutting in heart in two, again. Relive that moment another time was painful, doing it with Toby in front of him, was ten thousand times harder. But he found out it was somehow therapeutic. He was talking about this for the first time, and letting all he had inside out was relieving. Toby listened, and cried, and begged for Adil’s forgiveness. 

They cried, they sighed, they shook their heads.

There were hands trying to touch and hands escaping that contact.

Tons of words were spoken, a lot of “I don’t understand” and “I’m sorry”.

And finally, when all the tears had dried, and all the words had been said, the two men could seat in a peaceful silence, one on each side of the bed.

“At what time do you need to be in office?”

“I start at 9”

“With the tube, you’ll be there in 20 minutes, that means you can sleep four hours before I’ll wake you up”

“I need to go home first, to change my clothes”

Adil smiled “I still have one of your suits…you forgot it in my old flat, and I didn’t bring it back…so, no need to worry about this”

Toby was infinitely happy to hear this, at four in the morning, the last he wanted was going back home only to change. He just wanted to lay beside his love, have some hours of peaceful sleep and wake up to have breakfast with Adil. 

They took off their clothes, and laid side by side in the queen size bed, more comfortable than the one Adil had in his old flat. They fell asleep almost immediately.

When it was time to leave to head to the War Office, Toby looked at the domestic scene in front of his eyes: a cozy room, a table settle with breakfast for two, Adil still wearing just his pyjama trousers and a cotton t-shirt…

“I can easily get used to this, you know? You and me, sleeping in the same bed, having breakfast together”

Adil stopped clearing the table, to think for a moment, before looking at Toby.

“It’s not that easy…”

Toby rolled his eyes “I stole you red roses, I walked you home, I told you that I love you…what else do I have to do to make you believe that I’m totally serious about us?”

Adil smirked, a flash of lust in his eyes.

“I don’t know, maybe kiss me?”

Toby smiled brightly, he wanted to do it since the first moment he saw Adil exiting the hotel last night, but he felt like if he could evaporate at any time, and he didn’t move.

Adil closed the distance between them, moved Toby’s hands towards his hips.

The first touch of their lips was almost slight, but when Toby realised that Adil was still there, he tightened the grip around his lover’s waist and kissed him with all the love he had to keep locked inside for ages. Adil replied immediately.

“I can get used to this too…”


End file.
